It was now 30 minutes since Sanket and Dr. Chinnaswamy had kidnapped Anu Malik, and Sanket was already ruing the day he had applied for an internship at LPU! The kidnapping itself had been fairly straightforward. Anu had not been able to distinguish between a water gun and a real gun, and so, had calmly allowed Sanket to put a black cloth bag over his head to blindfold him, and lead him to Dr. Chinnaswamy’s car.
But as soon as the car started, so did Anu, and in a muffled voice, said,
“Do me a favour, let’s play Holi
Gar kuchh kahoon toh maar na dena mujhe goli
Car ke chalte hi mujhe kuchh ho jaata hai pyaare kidnapper
Khud-ba-khud jag uthta hai merre anadar chhupa rapper!”
And with that declaration, warning or threat, whatever you may call it (depending on whether you were Anu or Sanket), he took off like the USS Enterprise, to go where no man has gone before (thank God for small mercies) and rapped non-stop about the birds and the bees, the pods and the peas, of men and mice, eating daal and rice…You get the picture (though hopefully, not entirely, or else you would have torn your remaining hair by now and caught the next Shatabdi Express to Agra to get yourself institutionalized there).
Imagine the plight of poor Sanket, who had to bear this karkash cacophony on his own, since Dr. Chinnaswamy too, just like his nemesis Anu Malik, had a quirk related to moving cars. He slept off the moment the car started moving. Sanket wouldn’t have minded it that much also…if the doctor had not been at the wheel of the car!
Anyways, the journey finally ended, thankfully with all three passengers alive, and one of them kicking, that being Sanket of course, who was kicking himself for not standing up to his boss even once in his life. The Professional Rocket Science Department at LPU was dark and silent when they parked the car in the garage, and took the elevator to Dr. Chinnaswamy’s office.
The first thing the doctor checked on reaching the office was whether Taansen was still unconscious or not, as he did not want the legendary musician to discover his evil plan. He then turned towards Anu Malik, came close to him, paused, took a deep breath, and with a loud, theatrical gesture, removed the black cloth bag from his head, and said, “Pehchaan kaun?”
Anu blinked his eyes a few times to adjust them to the dim lighting in the room, and then, noticing that Sanket no longer had a gun in his hand, said indignantly, “Dil mera churaaya kyun, jab isse todna hi tha, mujhko gharse uthaaya kyun, jab mujhe chhodna hi thaaaaaaaaa…..Why did you break my trust, Tell me cos I insist you must, Why did you take me away…away…away…”
Dr. Chinnaswamy, meanwhile, was posing triumphantly in front of him, but when he saw that Anu is too busy making up his ‘on-the-spot’ song adaptation, he shouted, “I SAID, PEHCHAAN KAUN?” Anu stopped midway through his song, and then, started looking at the doctor quizzically from various angles, and after scrutinising him closely for 19 minutes, said, “Yeh kaali kaali aankhein (Sanket couldn’t help but chip in with- Tu ru ru tu ru ru, which earned him a stern and acerbic stare from his boss, but by now, he had started having too much fun to care) Yeh kaale-kaale gaal, Yeh bikhri-bikhri zulfein (Sanket again pitched in with the mandatory Tu ru ru, tu ru ru, though another voice had joined into the chorus this time, without anyone noticing it) Yeh gainde jaisi chaal….Dekha jo tujhe doctor….hua hai bura haaaaaaaal….Kyonki, let me tell you something clearly yaar, I have no freaking idea who you are!”
Sanket couldn’t stop his laughter any longer, and burst into a loud guffaw. That was like adding aag mein ghee (or as the English copy of this saying goes, adding fuel to the fire) in the eyes of Dr. Chinnaswamy, and his face turned a dark, almost burgundy red in colour and he sputtered, “But you must remember me, I had once appeared for the Indian Idol auditions, and you had rejected me!”
“Tan tanaatan tan tan taara…ullu bann gaya yeh bechaara…” said Anu, and started laughing. Then, controlling himself somehow, he explained, “You must be talking about Anu Malik!” Dr. Chinnaswamy’s eyes became even wider than before (if that was possible) on hearing this, and he said, “Of course I am talking about you, and why on earth are you referring to yourself in the third person?”
Anu replied, “Because I am NOT Anu Malik, but his twin brother Kanu Malik. I am an introvert, while he is the exact opposite. So I compose the music for his films, while he sings the songs and judges Indian Idol. It’s a win-win situation for both of us. So your kidnapping has been in vain, you unnecessarily caused me so much pain!”
Dr. Chinnaswamy staggered and almost fell on the floor, but then suddenly, a thought struck him and he perked up like a wildflower in the spring, and said, “But I still have the greatest singer the world has ever seen with me. I will take him to the Indian Idol auditions and confront Anu Malik…all is still not lost.” And suddenly, a strange voice entered the discussion, and said, “Wow, the greatest singer in the world. I also want to meet him. Where is he uncle?”
Dr. Chinnaswamy took a moment to realize that the voice did not belong to Kanu Malik, Sanket, or himself (he checked), but it had definitely come from within the room itself. So he turned around, and saw….that Taansen had regained consciousness, and seemed to be enjoying the scenario unfolding before him to the fullest.
The doctor was shocked to his core (the second time within a few minutes, if he had been a volcano, so much shock to his core would have resulted in an eruption at least equal to the intensity of Vesuvius’ eruption) and asked in a hollow voice, “How do you know English Taansen?”
At this, it was Taansen’s turn to start laughing hysterically (it was sort of in fashion that evening, hai na?) and when he finally stopped to catch his breath, he said, “Who do you think I am Doctor?” “Taansen, the legendary musician and singer of course,” replied the doctor. “Not really Doctor,” said the guy with a smile, “You see, when your time machine pulled me into this room, I was just in a different city, on the same date, in the same time, not in a different era. I was shooting for a TV commercial in which I was playing Taansen, and had to sing a song to uplift Akbar’s mood. I was extremely disoriented because of the displacement, and so thought I have reached another part of the set, and so asked you where Akbar was. But you, in your haste and your pride, assumed that I am the real Taansen.”
Dr. Chinnaswami stuttered….”But…but…why did you not clarify the same?” The man replied sarcastically, “Because you drugged me before I could say anything O great one!”
“But then…who exactly are you in reality?” cried out Dr. Chinnaswamy. But this time, Sanket, who had been observing everything with great interest till now, butted in and said, “He is proof that you are the most idiotic scientist in the world boss, and he is also insurance against you ever trying to boss me around from now on, because if I ever reveal what colossal stupidity you have displayed today, you will be the laughing stock of the entire world!”
Dr. Chinnaswamy had almost broken down by now, and begged, “Please tell me who he is…” Sanket replied with a straight face, “He’s Virat Kohli boss, and he was shooting for a Manyavar TV commercial!”