Grandpa Marco was surrounded by his numerous grandkids, and was taking great joy in ‘reluctantly’ telling them their history, and the role he had played in creating it.
It was that time of the millennium again, Grandpa Marco said, when someone from my family had to brave innumerable challenges in order to reach the Oracles of Balcoes in the Laurissilva forest. This time around, the responsibility fell on me. I did not have much hope left in me, to be honest, because the Oracles had always had the same answer to our question, “The time is not right.”
But still, the formality had to be completed, and so, I embarked on an epic quest, and after three months of journey through thick forests,
and endless wild oceans,
I finally managed to find them.
They checked the omens,
and with the same blank expression and sing-song voice that they were so famous for, they said, “The time is not right.”
“Why do we have to go through this charade every millenia, if the answer is always going to be the same?” I shouted in exasperation.
They looked at each other quizzically, and replied, “But the answer is not the same. We just told you – The time is now right.”
“Aaaah, my bad,” I said, “Must be that wax that got accumulated in my ear when I attacked that beehive for honey. So it’s a GO then?”
They nodded in unison, and I was off again, but this time, filled with excitement and hope. I had an invasion to plan.
Just six months later, we boarded our ships,
and launched them into the sea of clouds.
Our first target, obviously, was America, because the Universal Law of Hollywood states it unequivocally that any attack domestic, foreign, or alien, has to happen on America first preferably on the 4th of July, and has to be repulsed by the brave citizens of the greatest country in the world, all banding together despite all their diversity, and adversities.
So, we were expecting a tough fight.
However, as we descended from the sky, our targets just stood and gawped, for they were still busy trying to decipher the meaning of some word called ‘covfefe’.
The poor Americans never stood a chance, and once they fell, the rest of the world easily followed.
And that is how, dear children, the earth came to be a part of the wicker empire, the 2095th planet under our dominion,
and I, your beloved grandfather, became its undisputed emperor.