I was standing quietly at the edge of the forest, holding a ‘borrowed’ glass of stolen scotch in one hand, and a cigarette in the other. Suddenly, I heard a loud rustling sound. Fearing that it was my Dad, come to check if I was smoking or drinking without his knowledge again (I was doing both HE HE), I quickly climbed up a tree.
But no, it was not Dad, not by a long mile.
In fact, it was two huge spiders, the like of which no one had ever seen before, and they stopped under the very tree on which I was hiding.
If you think this was shocking, imagine my surprise when I realized that they were talking….and I could actually understand them. And what I heard shook me to the core- They were the Emperor and Empress of all spiders….and they were discussing plans to eat up all humans and take over the world.
Shocked out of my wits, I watched with fascinated horror as my glass of scotch slipped out of my hand…..and fell right on top of the two giant spiders.
They immediately reacted like well-trained Samurai or Ninja, claws out, looking left-right-left-right with quick movement of their eyes. And then, almost as if on cue, they both looked UP!
And saw a scrawny boy of 11, trying to hide himself unsuccessfully in the thin branches above.
“Get down, you puny human…” shouted the Empress.
“Or we will come up!” the Emperor completed her threat.
“NOOOOOO” I whimpered…and my cigarette popped out of my mouth involuntarily, and I could barely keep my eyes open as it fell down, almost in slow motion….right on top of the Empress.
There was a loud noise as the Empress burst into flames as soon as the spilled scotch came into contact with the lit cigarette.
The Emperor valiantly tried to beat at the fire with all his arms and legs , but forgot one simple thing- the scotch had fallen on him too! Within minutes, the two giant spiders, along with their dreams of world domination, were toast.
And that is how, my dear George, I ended up saving the world!
“Wow Great-grandpa, I never knew you did something so great,” said little George with wide-eyed innocence.
“That’s nothing,” I replied with swagger, “wait till you hear about how I saved Dinosaurs from extinction. But first, be a good sport and refill my glass of scotch. And remember, not a word of all this to Great-grandma, it gives her a complex that I have achieved so much in life, while she is still just the Queen of England.”