The Laziest Dog in the World

To say that Bruno was lazy was to say that Professor Dumbledore was an above average wizard, or that Sherlock Holmes was not too bad a detective, that is, an understatement of the highest order. For, you see, Bruno took great pride in the fact that for three years in a row now, he had won the World Championship for the Laziest Dog in the World!

Bruno’s parents often told him that he was so lazy that when he refused to come out of his mother’s tummy for months and months after the vet had predicted that he was due. It was warm and cosy inside, and winters in rural England can be brutal, as we all know, so Bruno decided to wait till July before finally exiting his mother’s womb and entering our world.

The story had not been too different since then. He kept having his mother’s milk till he was two years old, when she finally ran away from their home to HER mother’s place for a month without taking him along so that he would learn to survive on milk cartons like all other ‘regular’ dogs.

Even in his childhood, while other pups his age played ‘fetch’ with bones, Bruno preferred to quietly steal their ‘prize’ that they would get from their masters after so much effort of running after a thing that he had no interest in.

It was no wonder then, that as he grew up on Farmer Jenks’ farm, Bruno kept expanding in size, and pretty soon, built up a reputation for laziness that spread far and wide.

And so, when Naomi the fox heard that Bruno’s parents had gone off on a cruise, leaving the protection of the farm in Bruno’s paws, her joy knew no bounds. She had long set her eyes on the humongous hens, stupendous sheep, princely pigs, and colossal cows that were found in abundance on Farmer Jenks’ farm. She had never had the courage to convert her dreams of devouring those heavenly creatures because of the diligence and ferocity of Bruno’s mum and dad. But now, they had gone on a cruise, and the coast, so to say, was clear.

Just like Bruno, Naomi too had a stellar reputation. She had won the Quickest Fox in the World title three years in a row. She could jump higher than Sergey Bubka, and that too, without the help of a pole.Her dark brown colour allowed her to merge seamlessly with the background at night. Her brain was almost as swift as her legs, and she was known as the smartest thief in England. It is said that she once stole Queen Elizabeth’s teddy bear from Windsor Castle to win a bet, with none the wiser. So Naomi knew that she would not even need to break a sweat to steal Farmer Jenks’ menagerie from right under Bruno’s nose.

The very next day, Naomi decided to put her plan into action.

She did not eat the entire day in preparation for the virtual feast that awaited her at dinner. As the night fell, Naomi waited for Farmer Jenks and his family to sleep, and then, she crept slowly up to the farm.

One jump, and she was over the hedge that surrounded the farm.

Now only one small obstacle remained between Naomi and her dinner buffet- Bruno, the laziest dog in the world.

A narrow passage led to the barn in which all the animals lived, and Bruno was stationed right at the entrance to that passage. Naomi quickly realized that in order to reach her food, she would have to jump over Bruno.

Which would not have been a problem at all normally, but tonight, Bruno was not sleeping as usual, but was wide awake.

Naomi froze in her tracks. Bruno was much bigger than her in size, and Farmer Jenks always kept his shotgun handy by his bedside. If she did not play it smart, things could get real ugly real fast.

So Naomi did the only thing she could do in such a situation- she started singing a lullaby.

Oh Bruno, my love, my sweet little dog

Close your eyes and sleep like a log

The Goddess of Sleep wishes you good night

Close your eyes and sleep tight

And lo and behold, within seconds, Bruno’s eyelids started feeling heavy like lead, and soon, he was fast asleep, snoring away to glory.

Naomi smirked at her own smartness, and rubbed her hands in glee. And then, taking a small run, the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.

But as she passed Bruno’s supine form, Naomi saw something that filled her eyes with horror. She tried to apply brakes mid-air, but smart and agile as she was, she could not very well circumvent the basic laws of Physics, and her momentum carried her beyond Bruno’s body….and straight into a humongous pile of dirty steel plates, bowls and glasses.

For you see, Bruno was so lazy, that he had not been clearing away his plates after his meals ever since his parents had gone away, intending to do so before the next meal, then the next meal, then the next meal…and so on. As a result, there were some 100 utensils lying hidden behind the huge body of Bruno, which Naomi had obviously failed to see.

Naomi fell with a huge crash. The explosive dispersion of the steel utensils all over the barn created such a ruckus that before Naomi could recover, Farmer Jenks had rushed over with his shotgun to investigate as to who was creating the racket.

BOOOM! One shot from Farmer Jenks’ shotgun, and Naomi yelped with pain. She turned around to find that half an inch of her lovely, lustrous tale had been blown away. Her eyes filled with tears of pain and humiliation, Naomi ran faster than she had ever run before in her life, and with one jump, was across the hedge, swearing to herself that she would stick to Windsor Castle, Warwick Castle, Parliament etc. for her escapades, these farms were too well-protected for her.

And as for Bruno, he woke up with a start upon hearing the clanging of the steel utensils, followed by a loud sound like that of a gun, looked around groggily, and then, promptly went back to sleep again. The Goddess of Sleep was beckoning him, and he had a reputation to live up to- that of being the Laziest Dog in the World!

 

 

 

 

 

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