My regular readers will remember my close encounter of the bear kind a few months ago (See: https://jagahdilmein.wordpress.com/2017/07/11/the-perilous-polar-bear/). Now, I am a self-respecting big-game hunter, and being forced to run to save my life from a mere polar bear had been rankling me ever since that day. I would wake up with a jerk at nights, the polar bear having caught up with me in my dreams. During daytime, I had stopped frequenting my favourite bars, for my erstwhile friends and admirers were now laughing at my abject cowardice. I HAD to do something to redeem my honour, and my self-respect, before it was too late. And so it was, that I decided to take the bear by its horns (which it doesn’t have, I know I know, but you get the picture) and defeat that bear in single combat!
But this time, I intended to be well prepared for the encounter.
I started by hiring The Expendables to join me in the hunt. With their experience, and my expertise, the bear did not stand a chance.
I then acquired the best equipment, clothing and weaponry that I could steal (for I was left with no money after hiring The Expendables), followed by drawing out a foolproof plan for getting the bear.
And so, after three months of preparation, we were ready to go to the airport and hop on to Sylvester Stallone’s plane, all pumped up for our flight to Svalbard. But….there was still one thing left, the most important component of my plan, my trump card, with the help of which I would defeat, demolish, decimate, and destroy the damned polar bear without even breaking a sweat…
MAA KA AASHIRWAAD! (Mother’s blessings)
So just before going to the airport, I took a short detour and took the blessings of Gau Mata (Cow Mother).
But as I stood in front of her, head bowed, eyes closed in silent contemplation, my prayer was suddenly interrupted by a loud, gruff voice, that shouted- “DHAPPA!(GOTCHA!) I jumped with fright, and turned to find a huge brown bear just about to pounce upon me.
I looked reproachfully at Gau Mata, who had been unable to protect me even at her home turf, quickly turned around, and facing the bear, asked, “Who are you, and how dare you interrupt my prayers?”
The bear guffawed loudly, and replied, “I am a cousin of the polar bear you were planning to hunt. Due to your advertisements in the newspapers asking for mercenaries to volunteer for this hunt, my cousin came to know that he was in danger. So he contacted me and asked me to take care of you.”
I knew I had very little time, so I quickly raced my mental horses, and came up with an escape plan. I said, “OK, you can kill me, but first, can I please get a selfie with you so that I can instagram it? This is my last wish, you are honour-bound to grant it.”
The bear thought for a while, and then said, “OK, but just let me comb my hair first.” He got ready, and I took the selfie, but used the primary camera for it, with the flash on!
His eyes shut automatically upon being exposed to the flash, and while he was rubbing them to be able to see, I slipped away like the money in my bank balance, and ran for my life.
With a giant roar, the bear started running after me. He was fast for his size, but I was running for my life, so I somehow managed to keep one step ahead. But this could not go on for too long. I was tiring now, out of breath, barely managing to put one foot ahead of the other. I was sure I was done for now. And just as I was about to lie down in the middle of the street, thinking that getting crushed by a bear would be referable to this fire in my lungs and my leg muscles….
…that Gau Mata came to my rescue!
My reproachful look had hurt her to the core, and she knew that she had to do something to redeem herself in my eyes, otherwise no one would pray to her any longer. So, she sent her most powerful weapon to my rescue- her Nonna!
Nonna came bearing gifts, something that no bear in the world could resist- a stack of home-made ice cream! The bear saw the cones in my hand, and stopped suddenly in his tracks. “I want” he said in a child-like voice. “OK,” I said magnanimously, “but you will first have to tell me where to find your cousin, that wily polar bear.”
The bear acquiesced without protest, so great was his lust for Nonna’s ice-cream. So I handed over all the cones to him, and jauntily walked away towards the airport. But on my way, I again took a short detour, this time to thank Gau Mata for saving my skin.
And then I was off again, towards the airfield, where The Expendables were waiting for me in their plane. I had some good news for them now, I knew where to take the plane!